1. |
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it’s nights like these when I’m reminded
I was born with a hellish flame
You say we’re smoking all the same
but still, it’s different, at least in the nuance,
‘cause you’ve got places left to turn
“better to marry than to burn”
but God, I’m burning,
slowing turning
into someone that I no longer know
and God, I’m certain
that this one burden
it wants to kill me in the end
yes, God is good but
i’d still like some answers
I know his grace has carried me
while all my brothers claim they're "free"
then I start to think, “did I deserve this?”
"was there a cosmic lot that fell
that predisposed my trail to hell?”
and God, I’m burning,
slowing turning
into someone that I no longer know
and God, I’m certain
that this one burden
it wants to kill me in the end
got no desire for a woman
i’m so damn scared to live alone
i think i’m running out of options
when will my house become a home?
God, will I ever walk that aisle
and bear the children I have dreamed?
or will I die alone and holy?
it’s not as easy as it seemed
oh, when I was but just a child
I had some many distant plans
I swore i’d marry sometime early
instead of lusting for some man
i hoped to sing to sleeping children
then join my wife and go to bed
instead, I’m screaming at the ceiling
please set me free from my own head
I know I must be in the wrong
you know i sing such selfish songs
it just takes one glance at that lonely cross
and my problems seem so small
you said you’d work it for my good
sometimes I wonder how you could
jesus, dying all alone became your cup
you never married but your Father was enough
help me to count it joy and hold on to your love
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2. |
casualties (demo)
06:00
|
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he prays
that his parent’s affections
outweigh the fear of rejection when he says
he’s struggled all these years
regret as he wishes he kept his secret
hoping that he someday could forget
that he’s not welcome in his home
oh my God, what are we doing?
oh my God, take a look from your throne
oh my God, in this battle, we’re losing
oh my God, I think we’re shooting our own
I see casualties surrounding me
bleeding out for many years
as time has realized their fears
and nothing’s changed
there are casualties with bended knees,
could your bride please drop the gun?
could you undo what has been done
in the name of God?
I read
down this list of my friends and family
praying they don’t misunderstand me
and pull the trigger all the same
what cost
will we pay to display the full cross
knowing both sides could call our hope “lost”
too gay, too christian still
I see casualties surrounding me
brothers giving up the Ghost
turning their back on what meant most
in search of love
Jesus, could there be recovery
for the many weak at heart?
Lord, could your body play their part
and bring many home?
our lives hang in the balance
please don’t compromise the truth
but don’t lash out with opinion
we’re already scared of you
there is so much we could tell you
if we knew that you would hear
but the witness we’re observing
is completely based on fear
“please come back when you’re less queer”
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3. |
familiar cry (demo)
04:16
|
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oh my brother jesus,
I’ve heard you were acquainted with much sorrow
so I wonder, jesus,
have you ever felt a day so hollow
when the ones you loved were slow to act
when your body ached for constant lack
as you longed to feel the touch of your father again
is my suffering like the risen king’s?
is my plight a familiar cry?
will you hold my hand in this barren land?
will you lead me to hope again?
i know your answer, jesus
you say you were no stranger to desertion
your pain destined to free us
a dark and lonely cross became your portion
just your mother to witness your deepest pain
while the romans pierced your holy frame
and your brothers ran and hid in your darkest hour
is my suffering like the risen king’s?
is my plight a familiar cry?
will you hold my hand in this barren land?
will you lead me to hope again?
you know 33 years of a life unwed
you’ve waited so long for your marriage bed
you have chosen the path that required the most of your heart
lord, you never refused to deny yourself
you depended upon all your father’s help
you have showed me the path and then planted my feet at the start
jesus, can my suffering be like my risen king’s?
can my heart bear the weight of it?
jesus, will you hold my hand, help me understand?
will you lead me to hope again?
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4. |
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I’ve see the sun without horizon
the moon without it’s glow
they dance the same,
while my heart’s to blame
for darkening them both
I seem to frequent shallow glances
at all my little hells inside
but oh, how the light’s growing brighter
and oh, what a blessed reminder
a thorn in my flesh
the wound in your side
my delight, my paraplegia
my run brought to a crawl
my pride brought very small
Jesus, I can’t deny how I need ya
and I, I’m so glad that I need ya
my thorn in the flesh
you see, this limp that I’ve acquired,
this shooting pain inside my bones,
helps me fear the day
when my heart could say
“I know I’m better off alone”
I dream about the satisfaction
of finally laying down my arms
but I know the fight is nearly over
oh god, help me fight until it’s over
maybe, just maybe
I find all the strength I need
knowing you are smiling
maybe, just maybe
I find all the strength I need
knowing you are smiling, smiling
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Elijah Herrell Kansas City, Missouri
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